It’s very rare to find a man that is not only interested in empowering and uplifting the black female but one who also finds it necessary to call us out and check us on some of our mess. Luckily, BFP a.k.a. Breathtakingly Fine Possibilities a.k.a. Tha Possibilities has made it his online mission to “breathe endless possibilities” of beauty, choices, opinions, self-discovery and overall upliftment back into our DNA.
Awhile back, I posted the first seven or so of these tips for your consumption. Understand that these are NOT COMING FROM ME! This is all written and created by a BLACK, MARRIED MAN (who just so happens to be breathtakingly fine himself & a FELLOW RATTLER) who genuinely enjoys putting smiles on womens’ faces.
more advice…(8-10) updated 4/17
#8…become a master of KEGEL exercises! I don’t care how pretty you or your booty is, how fine you think you are, or how good you think you can cook…if your Kegel game is tight, your man will be your best friend in the world!!! don’t know what ‘kegels’ are? to quote Rudy Ray Moore, they are the ‘grippers in your pussy’ 😉
#9…if you’ve been in a sexual situation with more than one man at a time (more than one woman is ok…LOL)…please don’t let your man find out. I don’t care if it was one time, and you were drunk, and it was 20 years ago…don’t let your current man find out. Trust me, it won’t turn out good!
#10…if a boyfriend or some dick on the side has taken a photo of you, OR you’re taken a camera phone pic of yourself naked…or giving someone a blow job (or licking a woman’s coochie…spreading your coochie lips…or having sex, etc…ME (and about a million other men) have probably seen them on one of many adult message boards on the ‘net. be careful who your trust your coochie with!!!!
more advice…(11-15) updated on 4/19
#11:…you have to HELP a man come to a decision on something, not force him. you have to give him ownership of the decision, rather than posing an ultimatum that forces him to agree to something you demand. the one thing that a black man in this society feels he still has control over is his thoughts and actions in his relationships. once you take that from him, he’s no longer a man!
#12:…there’s NEVER too much spit!, ladies! do i even have to say anything else about this one? LOL
#13:…keep a CLEAN HOUSE!! this actually might be the most important of all the advice (besides Kegels and spit, of course…LOL). especially if his mom always kept a clean house, and you DON’T? it may never come up, and he may never utter a word to you about it, but trust me, he’s thinking about it! trust me, there’s nothing sexy about a nasty ass house! word up!!! just as a woman looks for some of the traits of her father in her man, or if her father wasn’t there, she tries to replace some of the things she missed from not having a father around in her man, it’s the same for a man and his mother. a man’s mother is his PROTOTYPE of what a woman should be, and if he has a good relationship with his mom, he’s gonna want to see similar traits in his woman/wife, and ultimately the mother of his children. you shouldn’t try to take the place of his mother, but understand what that mother IDEAL he has looks like, and you want to always be aware of it.
#14:…always believe in his dream. we tend to think women are the ones who always need encouragement and emotional support, but like i said in #5, a man is far more emotionally sensitive and vulnerable that a woman will EVER be. when a man has a dream, some of his boys are gonna make fun of it, talk shit about it, or just not understand it, but as his woman, you HAVE TO understand. you have to let him know that even if no one else understands, you do! that doesn’t mean co-signing his ass on some bullshit that might leave the family bankrupt or in jail, but it does mean knowing what’s just fly by night shit, and the shit that he’s willing to die for! all women know what’s really important to men. you know…and you have to let him know that you know. …and don’t force him to do it, but help him find his way to fulfilling that dream.
#15….FUCK STEVE HARVEY!!! LOL while i appreciate some of the advice in Steve’s book, don’t ever NOT think like a lady. you’re a lady, so think like one! men and women have different energies, so we’ll never be able to think like the other, or fully appreciate what’s going on in the other’s mind, so don’t try to out-think your mate. there are no rules in when it comes to emotions. no two relationships are the same, so there’s no formula to guarantee you what will or will not work. my advice is to just THINK, and all the other shit will take care of itself!
ok, my sistas…got a couple more for your consideration.
#16…good pussy is not enough! i know it seems like all men are primarily concerned with hittin the ass, but believe it or not we want and need more than that from you. we need you to stimulate our spirits, as well as our loins! 🙂 we need you to inspire us to want to become better people for you. a woman who’s love and inspiration can convince a man to be better for her, is a keeper.
#17..don’t place more value on the relationship than you place value on your own integrity. Don’t be willing to do ‘whatever’ it takes to make a relationship work. Know your limits and make them known UP FRONT! If you sacrifice too much of who you are to accommodate all of who he is, the relationship loses balance, and thus compromising its full potential for growth
#18…believe in the POSSIBILITIES. have faith in the possibilities that an authentic spiritual connection with your mate can bring. far beyond a religious connection, i’m talking about the interconnectedness of your destinies, manifested through the actualization of divine perfection. expand your conception of what’s possible. think beyond what you know
#19…this dude ain’t the other dude. So, stop bringing your expectations and insecurities from your past relationships to this one. If you’re waiting for new dude to lick the coochie the same way the other dude did, you might as well go back to where you came from. Why assume this dude is gonna beat your ass cause the last dude did? This is a new possibility, so allow it to be.
#20…stop comparing your relationship to the relationships of your friends. Stop looking at someone else’s perceived ‘greener grass’, and spend some time fertilizing your own lawn. Just because her man does something you like, that doesn’t mean your man is required to do the same. If you want what her man does done to you, you need her man.
#21…get your OWN f*ckin’ man! Why would you want to try to ‘take’ a man from someone and then expect him to be faithful to you? Actually, most women who claim to like their girl’s man, don’t want them because they need the man, they do it to prove they can take the man. It’s an attempt to boost the ego of a woman who actually has very low self-esteem and an even lower sense of self-worth.
#22…be a porn star, at least in the privacy of your own home!! after you get over 21, all the sexual hang-ups get a little irritating. being a prude is the most unsexy thing in the world, and a guaranteed way for your relationship to have problems. i mean, you ain’t gotta do shit that’s physically impossible. don’t let him put something in your booty that you know can’t fit, but lil shit like giving head ain’t even considered freaky no more!! that shit stop being freaky in the 70s!!!!! find things you’re comfortable with, but if ordinary intercourse is all your willing to consent to, be prepared for the consequences.
#23….make up your damn mind!! all this back and forth, ambivalence and indecisiveness, is counterproductive. by the time the man you want comes into your life, you should already know he’s on his way, because you are already where you need to be, waiting for him. the universe gives us what we ask for through our actions and intentions, and most of us ask for the wrong things!
#24…a woman who REALLY knows sports, and doesn’t just watch it cause her man does, is quite sexy! learn to enjoy and BE KNOWLEDGEABLE about things that your man find enjoyable. if you’re not really into sports, don’t fake it because that will just piss him the fuck off…and you’re gonna sound stupid. if sports isn’t your thing, acknowledge it and keep it moving, so there will be no unrealistic expectations. but, if you really do enjoy it, and can watch the game with you man, and y’all can share the experience equally, you got your best friend sharing your bed!
#25…strive to be EXTRAORDINARY. in every aspect of your life, nor just your career, or as a parent, but in everything you do try to reach your fullest potential. make the pursuit of continual growth a priority in your life. Always want to be better tomorrow than you are right now, and make sure anyone you allow in your life has the same commitment to growth
#26…always smell good! the lotions and cremes and smell goods are a MUST!!! if i smell better than you, we got problems…and especially, ‘down there!’ i wanna take my time and enjoy myself when i take the plunge, not immediately look for the emergency exits. The hair smelling good, skin and feet nice and smooth…and mos def put some lotion on your booty! an ashy booty really sucks!
#27…know what you’re looking for! Be precise about the qualities you want in a man. Most of us don’t get what we want, because we never decide what that is. And the qualities on your list should be less about who you are, and more about who he is!
#28…What is HAPPILY SINGLE? I was never happy when I was single…LOL I mean I wasn’t pressed, but to me the absence of sadness or pain does not equate to happiness. I’m not one of those people who believes we don’t need a mate to be whole. To the contrary, I believe in the divine order and balance of the universe represented by a complementarity of masculine and feminine energy to create a divine perfection.
#29…allow yourself to be loved! a lot of us miss out on our truest loves because we are either AFRAID of what we think love is or are UNAWARE when authentic love presents itself to us. Be not only prepared, but also receptive when love comes, because it may not come back again. **DISCLAIMER: I DON’T BELIEVE IN ‘LOVE…but i know you do! 😉 **
#30…Knowing how to cook makes a woman a look a lot more muthafuckin’ fine! Sure, you can be fine while we’re ordering out or I’m cooking every night, but when I come in that kitchen, and you’re putting in work on that stove, that’s an aphrodisiac that hard to beat!
#31…Ladies, play to your strengths!! If you got a big, nicely-shaped booty, make sure you accentuate it. If you have nice full breasts, make sure they are always on display. HOWEVER…if you know your stomach is a problem area, why draw unnecessary attention to it? Know your limits, ladies! That outfit works for her, but not so much for you!
#32…LADIES, stop referring to your man as your ‘nigga’. Better yet, don’t refer to ANY black man (or woman) as a ‘nigga’. By definition, how can a good man be a nigga, or vice versa? Words have energy, and if you refer to your man as your ‘nigga’, that’s all he’ll ever be…and all you’ll ever be!
#33…LADIES, learn to make being fly look effortless. Sometimes a woman with sweats, a wife beater, sneakers and a fitted cap is 100 times more sexy than a woman who has tons of make-up, 8 inch heels, and not a hair outta place. You have to realize that being fly has less to do with how you look, but more to do with who you are. If you’re really fly, who gives a fuck about what you’re wearing?
#34…LADIES…smile please! Shitty attitudes aren’t sexy or cute! I know dudes can come with a lotta bullshit, but don’t let what someone else does to you affect the way you go about your day. Being beautiful doesn’t begin or end with how you look. It fundamentally reflects who you are, and how you share that beauty with the world, personifies who you really are. Be beautiful in everything you do!
#35…LADIES, if your heart isn’t into giving a blowjob, please just leave it alone! The thing that makes blowjobs so amazing is ENTHUSIASM!!! if you’re just going through the motions, not putting forth any real effort, acting like you’re tired or disinterested, just put the d*ck down and let dude go get himself off….which is probably what he’ll do once you’re done anyway 😉
#36..a man WON’T just fuck anything. Women use that tired excuse too much, to rationalize their poor choices of men. If your man will fuck anything, and he’s fuckin’ you, what does that make you? Men can be (and most are) faithful. You just happen to be fuckin’ ‘anything’ 😉
#37…LADIES, don’t use SEX as a bargaining chip. Believe it or not, your p*ssy is not as good as you think, and making your man meet your demands before you give him some is a bad strategy. P*ssy is only as good as the emotion connected to it. Men won’t cheat if they really love you, but good pussy gets cheated on all the time by the mere prospect of better pussy! 😉
#38…LADIES, listen to BFP!!! LOL I’m serious. I love black women too much to lie to you or tell you something that’s not in your best interest. I don’t have all the answers, but i do know how to avoid bullshit!
#39…LEARN MORE THAN YOU WERE TAUGHT! Our parents taught us what they knew, but everything they knew wasn’t right. Be it religion, sexuality, politics, etc, just because you were taught to believe it doesn’t mean as a free thinking adult there aren’t other things for you to learn. Will you learn something new to teach your children or will their knowledge be just as flawed as yours?
#40…there is nothing painful or destructive about love. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t make you cry tears of sorrow. It doesn’t make you compromise who you are to keep it around. It doesn’t ask of you anything that does not contribute to your growth and/or well-being. What love really is, it’s the absence of the need to even define what it is!
#41…your ass is too old for casual sex. once you leave high school, fuckin’, just to be fuckin’, is actually kinda lame. we all have urges, needs, desires, but if you’re laying up with someone and the ONLY reason is to get a nut, you’re literally, a fuckin fool. Place a premium on your pussy…find value in it!
#42…know what you DON’T KNOW! You don’t have all the answers. You don’t always know what he’s really thinking. You don’t…and you may never know! Sometimes it just about trial and error, learning people’s tendencies, rather than make presumptions about their motives. Men will share their hearts, but we always save a section that you’ll never experience and definitely never understand
#43…find a man who has a broad definition of manhood. As a husband and father, not only do I do the ‘man’ stuff like wash the car, cut the grass, etc…but I also help cook, i clean, give the kids a bath, basically WHATEVER my wife needs help with i’m willing to do. If your man has things he ‘won’t’ do, what will happen to the house or your children if you’re ever away? Choose well, ladies!
#44…LADIES, just because he says it, doesn’t make it true. Men don’t only tell you what they think you want to hear, they more often tell you what they think you NEED to hear. It doesn’t take long to determine who you are emotionally, and once we know we ‘create’ a person who can be compatible to who you are. The problem comes when you find out who we really are.
#45…develop a ‘dream’! Are you a dreamer? Do you envision your reality before it comes to fruition? What’s your biggest dream, and have you envisioned what it’s gonna look like? You need to be prepared to answer these questions, not just to find a good mate, but to become a good mate for someone.
#46….LADIES, be clear about you say you are, and about what you say you want! are you really who you say you are? Do you really want what you claim to want? Are you sure that the kind of person you say you are, and the kinda person you claim to want in you life are compatible? Too often who we say we are is inconsistent with who we show ourselves to be. Be who you are, all the time!
#47…LADIES, you CANNOT be the same person in a relationship that you were when you were single. If you want that life, you should have stayed single. Married or women in serious relationships, at the club all the time, is problematic. There’s nothing wrong with still having fun, but you have to redefine what fun means once you are trying to build something meaningful with someone
#48…LADIES, we’re all flawed, not just me! sometimes women complain about a man’s shortcomings, not recognizing her own. you can’t tell me i need to grow and you’re unwilling to acknowledge the areas you need to improve. relationships are mutual growth opportunities. your growth should facilitate mine, and vice versa. one person growing and the other being stagnant or regressing, will place strain on the relationship that often ends bad.
#49…LADIES, his dick is property of the relationship! LOL seriously, women and men both must be upfront, open and candid about their sexual needs. sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, and a lack of sex, or unreasonable demands for it can be problematic. if your man isn’t fuckin you right, or enough, he might, i said MIGHT, be fuckin someone else. or, he might be jacking off to porn online while you’re out of the house. or, her might just not be into your coochie, which is VERY troublesome. you have to get to the bottom of the issue. i mean, of course, sometimes our sexual urges are higher than our partner’s, but that needs to be known and discussed. one person cannot be holding all this pent up resentment because you haven’t made them cum in 6 months! sex isn’t all a relationship is about, but dammit, it better be in the top two!
#50…LADIES, ‘think’ and ‘believe’…in that order! emotions are good, and essential, but never allow how you ‘feel’ about someone change how you ‘think’ about that person. that’s why i don’t buy into the concept of ‘love’. love is something people say they feel, but rarely do they ‘think’ in regards to love. people in love have done some really dumb shit.
if you ‘think’ this person is good for you, based on logic and reason, then perhaps it’s safe to ‘believe’ this person might be the one. if all you do is ‘feel’ this person is right for you, haul ass! find someone you can not only believe in, but someone who makes you ‘think’ he might be the one!